gray weekend

Friday night, dragging home late from the office I felt sick. Headache, exhausted, hoarse throat, and totally discouraged after my 3-month development talk with my boss. A nagging voice at the back of my head all day – am I that producer? the one everyone is afraid will mess it up? The one that can’t be depended on? The one you avoid giving big assignments to because chances are she’ll turn it into some sort of horrible fiasco?

All day Saturday I spend hiding from the world – washed up and exhausted with a fuzzy brain. In my pajamas, on the couch, sleeping, eating french toast, reading Harry Potter, and browsing the web – particularly avoiding news sites…! A gigantic waste of time – purposefully turning my brain off.

And now is it really Sunday night already? All the gray clouds have gathered and settled over the city. Chilly March darkness has descended on the city with blue sky and yellow lights.

I don’t feel ready to face work tomorrow.

I’m discouraged. I’m afraid to go back and mess it up even more, and then they’ll figure out that they were mistaken hiring me. They’ll figure out that I’m not a real journalist after all.

But really, secretly, if I’m honest with myself, I’m glad. Underneath it all, I’m glad that I go back at 9AM again tomorrow. It means I can’t hide from it anymore, and it means that I get a second chance. A whole new Monday with no mistakes in it.

And I try to remember that quote I read a few weeks ago about discouragement. Flipping back through that Mother Teresa book –

“If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people’s opinion. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult to practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus.” -Mother Teresa

And that’s very exciting. And it helps to remember that this is all a part of something that HE is doing. Я здесь не причем, as they might say in Russian – it has nothing to do with me.

It gives me hope, and it’s encouraging, and it turns me back to Him to remember that HE gave me this job, and HE is still working, doing something in me, and all I need to do is be faithful, give it to Him, and see what HE does…

So, time to end our Sunday night well – parmesan pasta, balsamic vinaigrette salad and a few episodes of LOST, is the plan I think…!

GRAY WEEKEND THANKS:

  • 291. a nap
  • 292. hot mint-chamomile tea
  • 293. gray, dirty, melting snow
  • 294. warm enough to wear my spring boots and green wool coat
  • 295. hospital visit to father-in-law, getting to do something small to help
  • 296. all those new people in church – teenager on acoustic guitar, conservatory student on the piano, Irish preacher, honest British and Russian friends and all the initiative – people drawn to HIM!
  • 297. date at favorite Moscow cafe with economist husband and our two-hour “circle of truth”
  • 298. that Monday morning follows Sunday night…grace!
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2 Responses to gray weekend

  1. Phyllis says:

    You made me think of something from Green Letters, by Miles Stanford:
    “To believe, and to consent to be loved while unworthy, is the great secret.”
    “To refuse to make ‘resolutions’ and ‘vows’; for that is to trust in the flesh.”
    “To expect to be blessed, though realizing more and more lack of worth.”
    “To rely on God’s chastening (child training) hand as a mark of His kindness.”
    “To ‘hope to be better’ (hence acceptable) is to fail to see yourself in Christ only.”
    “To be disappointed with yourself is to have believed in yourself.”

  2. Lovely, Phyllis! I keep coming back and reading this slowly 🙂 HUGE CONGRATULATIONS by the way!! What a beautiful family!!!!! 🙂

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